Coping with a loss is always difficult and painful, but it can be especially hard when the loss is traumatic and unexpected, like with a suicide.
Most recent reports showed that we lose more than 6,000 Veterans and service members to suicide each year. Each one of those deaths impacts up to 135 others. These are family, friends, and people who knew and cared about the Veteran and are left feeling grief, loss, and many times struggle to understand why it happened. Coping with a loss is always difficult and painful, but it can be especially hard when the loss is traumatic and unexpected, like with a suicide. Although you may feel lost or isolated when experiencing a suicide loss, you aren’t alone.
Learn more about what you may experience, tips for how to take care of yourself during this difficult time and what resources are available to support you.
What to Expect and What Makes Suicide Different
The death of any loved one is never easy to experience, whether it was sudden or expected at the end of a long illness. But several circumstances set a loss to suicide apart and make the grief process more challenging. While everyone’s experience is unique, there are some ways your experience may mirror others who have lost someone to suicide. The Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors (TAPS), as well as studies done by the National Library of Medicine, share some things you may find helpful about what to expect after experiencing a suicide loss.
- You aren’t alone. Many impacted by suicide describe feeling isolated from their community and at times, even from their family. Survivors may be reluctant to acknowledge the loss, discuss the details, or share with others. Families may struggle with what to share with children. It is important to understand that suicide takes the lives of thousands of people each year and impacts thousands more. While your experience may feel isolating, there are others who understand what you’re going through.
- The grief you experience from a suicide loss may feel different than other forms of grief. Losing a loved one to suicide can come with a wide range of complicated emotions. You may have guilt that you somehow missed a warning sign or feel you could have done something to stop this tragedy. You may feel angry and hurt that your loved one “abandoned” you. You may spend time second-guessing what you could have done differently. You may wonder – Why? Why wasn’t I enough? All of these emotions, along with your pain and grief, are normal. It is important to note that survivors greatly overestimate their contributing role and their ability to affect the outcome in these cases.
- Some people feel a sense of shame surrounding a suicide loss that makes it hard to talk about. Some people feel there’s a stigma surrounding suicide, which can make you feel isolated or alone while grieving. Some people struggle to deal with how suicide relates to their religious views. All of this can make grieving even more difficult.
- You won’t always feel this much pain. With time, compassionate care and supportive resources, the emotions you feel now may evolve and change. The intense, all-consuming pain you feel now may ease and soften with time and assistance.
- It’s not your fault. Suicide rarely is the result of one issue, one conversation, one person or one interaction. It usually involves multiple, complex factors that build over time. We cannot control the actions or thoughts of others.
- It can be traumatic. A loss of a Veteran or service member to suicide is usually unexpected and may be violent. Loved ones may have to interact with police or even handle questions from the media. This experience may yield recurring thoughts of the loss and its circumstances. If so, it is important to seek assistance as some suicide survivors can develop PTSD.
- Risk for Survivors. Those who have lost someone through suicide are at an increased risk of suicide themselves. If you or a loved one are experiencing these feelings it is important to let someone you trust know and seek help.
Tips for Dealing With a Suicide Loss
The intense pain that comes with a suicide loss is not meant to be handled with a few tips, but having a place to begin dealing with your loss can be helpful, especially when life feels overwhelming or unbearable. For more detailed information, check out From Grief to Growth, a guide written by survivors, for survivors of suicide, published by TAPS. It explores the complex and difficult journey of dealing with suicide loss and offers a roadmap to begin the healing process.
- Allow yourself to grieve. Grief reflects the connection you had with someone you lost, not something to get over or get on with. It’s OK to take the necessary time to grieve. There is no timetable for grieving.
- Practice self-care. When you’re in the middle of a complicated grieving process, it can be hard to remember that you need to care for yourself too. Give your body what it needs to function, including enough sleep, good nutrition and some movement. These important routines can help you manage your stress and handle the range of emotions you’re facing.
- Take time to rest and recharge. Grieving can be exhausting both emotionally and physically. Build in rest and recovery time. For some, “rest” might mean taking a walk; for others it may be an afternoon nap or coffee with a caring friend.
- Surround yourself with supportive people. Find people who are willing to listen, who can be non-judgmental and who are able to support you. If you don’t feel ready to share with the people in your life, consider a support group for people who have lost someone to suicide. Sharing with others who have experienced something similar can be comforting.
- Expect setbacks. Healing doesn’t occur in a straight line from start to finish. There will be good days and bad days. There will be painful reminders and special occasions that can make you feel like you’re starting back at the beginning. Give yourself grace. These ups and downs are a normal part of the grieving process.
- Seek professional support. Coping with a suicide is difficult and painful. You may find in addition to grieving, you’re experiencing other concerns, such as having your own thoughts of suicide, having difficulty resuming your own life, experiencing nightmares or problems sleeping, being socially withdrawn or isolated, and more. These may be signs of depression, anxiety or post-traumatic stress disorder. This is not uncommon after a suicide loss, and there are resources ready to support you. The Department of Veterans Affairs (VA) offers mental health services that can support you through your suicide loss.
Resources to Support You
- TAPS has supported tens of thousands affected by military suicide loss through offering resources and programming that helps with immediate stabilization, support with processing grief and opportunities for healing and growth. You can find a wealth of suicide loss resources, including guides, articles on talking to children about suicide, a peer mentor program, an online chat community and much more.
- The 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline offers support for suicide loss survivors. Call, text or chat with a caring counselor and connect to the resources you need. If you are thinking about hurting yourself, get help right away. Call or text 988 and then press 1.
- The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention provides suicide loss support, including support groups, chats with volunteers who are also suicide loss survivors, guides, articles and more.
- VA offers several resources and support to help you navigate suicide loss. Learn more about no-cost bereavement counseling, information on benefits, burials and memorials, and more. VA’s Suicide Postvention page is filled with resources, stories from other survivors and more. VA Suicide Prevention Program team members are available to help you with your healing process.
No matter where you are on your grieving journey, reach out for the support you deserve.